This. pregnancy. Sucks.
Ok, there. I said it. I'm almost 8 weeks and I am ready for this to be over. There is nothing happy about this. I truely feel like my life, and all that I had planned for my life is over. I'm screwed. Shit out of luck.
And now, I feel even worse for hating this so much. If I miscarry, I know I am going to completely blame myself for not being all happy and bubbley over this.
I never really wanted kids. I wanted a career. I wanted freedom. I wanted a life that did not revolve around diapers and feedings. Does that make me selfish? Yeah, it probably does, but I really don't give a shit at this point. This is so incredibly fucked up.
I am sick all the time. Morning sickness? Try always-sickeness. I am light headed, can't change positions without feeling worse. I am stuck in a job that I hate because otherwise when it gets here, I will have no maturnity leave or benefits. My head hurts, I can't take my migraine meds, or my meds for depression, this makes me an extremely fun person to be around. I love to drink, can't do that, smoking is calming, can't do that either. I kickbox to relieve anxiety, and guess what?? Can't do that either.
So, basically what I can do it sit around getting fat again being a human incubator. yeah, this is exactly what I had planned for. Feeling worthless, and sick, and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I'm hungry all the time, and if I don't eat, the nausea is worse. Pants are already getting tight. Great.
I've been trying to figure out what is going on in my occupied uterus at this point, so I have been frequenting babycenter.com.
Today, I went there, and just continued to get more and more pissed. I WANT to be happy about this. I would love to say that this is exact what I wanted. But, it all honesty, it is not. If it was up to me, I would crawl into a dark hole, and not come out until I wake up from this dream-world-paradox and my life was actually mine again.
I'm going to be a shitty mother. Atleast I feel that way right now. Who else would be writing this in their blog but a bad mother? I should be all sunshine, bluebirds and butterflies. Pass me a baby bottle? No thanks, Id much rather have a margarita.
4 comments:
What you are feeling is so normal! Don't worry about your feelings, acknowledging them is way better than burying them! I would talk to your Dr about your feelings. Hormones and your circumstances are making things tons worse right now. So sorry you are feeling so sick, have you asked Dr about meds to help you out? THere are meds out there that can help that, and make life seem more tolerable. Those early weeks of pregnancy are so miserable, NOT sunshine adn blue birds, especially when the pregnancy was unexpected. Chin up and you are not going to be a bad mother!
Oh Brandy, you're going to do just fine! Since I haven't been there before, I can't much reassure you as to whether what you're feeling is normal or not, but I do think that there's probably a huge wave of emotions that strikes every person, that probably takes a while to work through. Try to keep thinking that most of the nausea will at least only be for 3 months! And you're halfway there? Sorry it's so miserable for you. :(
Bless your heart Brandy! Like Chris said, it's normal to have these anxieties during pregnancy. Your hormones are LITERALLY raging out of control. The firts 3 months are the worst esp with morning sickness. You're right it is all day sickness. I remember being at my desk at work with my head down feeling like I'm about to throw the world up! Luckily, I only had to deal with it the first three months, but it does come back for a tad bit around your 7th month...mines only lasted for a couple of weeks though. Brandy, you will not be a shitty mother. The fact that you're caring sooooo much, not smoking, not drinking, not kickboxing means that you've already begun to be a GOOD mother. So, keep your head up girl and if you ever need to vent, have a hormone rage, girl you're doing the right thing...let it go...blog and all! Hope you don't mind, i've linked your blog on my blog just so i can ck on ya!
Hang in their chickie- sounds like pre-partum depression!
Preganancy is hard there are no 2 ways about it-I never beleive those gals that say they just fly through it- I am like huh- how can that be humanly possible given the major internal re-org going on inside you.
Like Suzanne -said those hormones raging through your bod are just swamping you. Big big hugs to you.
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