Digital Negatives

Hey. Alright. So, as you can tell, brand new blog template! It is not something that I would typically use, but tonight I feel like a big change is needed.

The increased dose of Zolft is finally working, and I can tell in a big way. I still don't have much energy, but I am coping well.

I'm a pirate scrapbooker :) Hey! Pirates are HOT in the industry this year!!

Plan to go to St Louis this weekend, and of course, the weather is supposed to be awful. The actual term on DH's cell forecast this AM was "Ice Pellets". Why!!! This is the weekend we are going to do almost all of our Christmas Shopping, not to mention doing our baby registry! This totally sucks! Hope for the ice to be minimal, and that we will still be able to go, or no one gets to have a christmas this year :)

Hey! I am still alive, or at least I have a pulse.

Second appointment today, and all things looked good. Baby's heartbeat was great, and it didnt take long to find it, so that is good. My next appointment is November 20th, when hopefully the bean will cooperate and we will find out if it is a he or she.

I have kinda fallen off the face of the earth as far as my normal websites go. I have no energy at all, barely enough to get out of bed in the morning and go to work, then I come home on lunch, and sleep. I get home from work, fall onto the couch, and go to sleep. Then Kevin wakes me up so that I can go to bed and sleep. Sleeping is pretty much the only thing I can do lately. Even going to Wal-mart for groceries kills me. I'm starting the 2nd trimester now, so hopefully life will start to perk up. I'm nauseated all the time, but at least I haven't thrown up in 2 days. That is progess I guess.

So, that is me :) Not as sad thanks to Zoloft, which is basically the only thing getting me to work in the AMs, but that is it. So, I am still alive, I'm just unconsious for most of the hours I'm not at work :)

Ultrasound went well. I'm going to be the proud parent of a jumping bean. Heart Beat of 160 per minute, so if you believe the old wives tale, its a girl! (hopefully!)

It's been a while since my last confession... or post, or whatever.

My first appointment with my OB is tomorrow. DH is coming with me. My nausea is a little better, not throwing up as much, just feel uneasy all the time.

I keep having all these weird feelings though.

I'm positive that this is a boy. I'm not sure why I am so positive. maybe because I want a girl so badly.

Two weeks ago, I started thinking that this is probably twins. Two boys.

I have this feeling that although tomorrow I should be measuring 9w6d that I will actually measure around 5 weeks, or there will be an empty sac, or that something terrible has happened, and I won't go to term. Granted, there is no history of any of these issues in my family, but I feel like I will be the first.

I won't be able to relax until after the ultrasound tomorrow. I want to see/hear that heart beat to prove that I really do have something growing in there. Completely neurotic and irrational, yup, thats me.

My ex's grandmother died Friday. Her visitation is tonight. She was one of my favorite patients. Normally, I go to all my patient's funerals or at least their visitations. I am not going to this one because I was told that my ex is not "allowed to talk to me". We haven't seen eachother in 9+ years. Email maybe 2-3 times a year, and this has never been an issue before. I'd like to know what happened or changed to make his wife freak out and forbid him from speaking to me. I've never had anyone not be "allowed" to talk to me, and honestly I am not handling it too well. We are adults for gods sake! At any rate, I just went by and signed her memory book prior to the family getting there, that way I still feel like I paid my respects, and didn't take a chance on causing any problems with ex's family.

I am glad that my DH trusts me enough to not be so uptight. Granted, if he told me that I wasn't "allowed" to do anything, we would have to have a serious boundary issue discussion, and there had better be a damned good reason for him to make such a request. Then, if he had good reason, I would take in under serious advisement, but I am still an adult, and would continue to do what I choose, within reason. Ask my mom, forbidding me to do anything just encourages me to pursue said activity with more drive.

Our Mutual friend Joey knows the story... however he has not seen fit to share at this time. Grrr... Why can't we all just get along?

Do you realize how awesome you both are? I love you both so much! You rock.

This. pregnancy. Sucks.

Ok, there. I said it. I'm almost 8 weeks and I am ready for this to be over. There is nothing happy about this. I truely feel like my life, and all that I had planned for my life is over. I'm screwed. Shit out of luck.

And now, I feel even worse for hating this so much. If I miscarry, I know I am going to completely blame myself for not being all happy and bubbley over this.

I never really wanted kids. I wanted a career. I wanted freedom. I wanted a life that did not revolve around diapers and feedings. Does that make me selfish? Yeah, it probably does, but I really don't give a shit at this point. This is so incredibly fucked up.

I am sick all the time. Morning sickness? Try always-sickeness. I am light headed, can't change positions without feeling worse. I am stuck in a job that I hate because otherwise when it gets here, I will have no maturnity leave or benefits. My head hurts, I can't take my migraine meds, or my meds for depression, this makes me an extremely fun person to be around. I love to drink, can't do that, smoking is calming, can't do that either. I kickbox to relieve anxiety, and guess what?? Can't do that either.

So, basically what I can do it sit around getting fat again being a human incubator. yeah, this is exactly what I had planned for. Feeling worthless, and sick, and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I'm hungry all the time, and if I don't eat, the nausea is worse. Pants are already getting tight. Great.

I've been trying to figure out what is going on in my occupied uterus at this point, so I have been frequenting babycenter.com.

Today, I went there, and just continued to get more and more pissed. I WANT to be happy about this. I would love to say that this is exact what I wanted. But, it all honesty, it is not. If it was up to me, I would crawl into a dark hole, and not come out until I wake up from this dream-world-paradox and my life was actually mine again.

I'm going to be a shitty mother. Atleast I feel that way right now. Who else would be writing this in their blog but a bad mother? I should be all sunshine, bluebirds and butterflies. Pass me a baby bottle? No thanks, Id much rather have a margarita.